Talk:A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All!
Segment 1 * Broadcasting legend, Stephen Colbert sits at the piano singing a song he's working on, ::Jingle man, Christmas Boy... * he's so excited he's sporting a Yule Log * tape special in New York City ** carolers ** elves ** and a recently hobbled Tiny Tim ** goats dressed as reindeer * Elvis Costello is his guest ** his real name is "Declan Patrick Pippy Go Merry Buttons" ** older male Avril Levine *** instead of skateboarding, Elvis sings about people dying in shipyards * Stephen is writing new Christmas carols ** when someone else gets the royalty checks, it doesn't sound like Christmas to Stephen (It's) Another Christmas Song * Stephen opens the door on his way to New York, but there's a bear on the other side of the door! Segment 2 * Stephen frets about not being able to leave the cabin * Santa delivers Stephen's gifts to the studio ** Christmas won't come for Stephen * calls Elvis Costello to tell him what's happening * There's a knock on the door * Stephen asks whoever it is to say something a bear wouldn't say ** the person on the other side of the door says "I hate honey" * Toby Keith says he's out hunting deer for Christmas presents * Toby Keith sees popcorn on the table and begins stringing them * Stephen roasts chestnuts in the fireplace ** the smell reminds Keith of Christmas * the two lament how businesses are forgetting Christmas ** Stephen mentions how in San Francisco it's legal to marry your Christmas Tree * Toby Keith sings There's A War On Christmas * As Toby Keith walks out, Stephen notices they are both under the mistletoe, which really wasn't so awkward * Stephen waves goodbye to him and angry birds chase him back inside the cabin with their threatening "chirping" Segment 3 * Stephen uses night-vision goggles to look for the bear through his window, but can't see a damn thing ** he puts sunglasses on to try and it still doesn't work * Stephen asks The Baby Jesus in the Nativity Scene atop his piano * he realizes there are four wise men, one of them begins to talk to him and it's ... ** Willie Nelson! *** Willie's so high, Stephen is hallucinating * Let Not Mankind Bogart Love * Stephen tells Willie that his wonder weed might not be a good gift for a child * Willie says he has no gold * Stephen reminds him that he has 26 gold records * Wilie asks The Baby Jesus if he can get his weed back * Elvis Costello can be heard shouting in the background ** he's been on hold! * he just rehearsed The Nutcracker with The Jonas Brothers ** the mice were not mice, they were goats in mice ears * Elvis has to save the Jonas Brothers who have fell through the ice Back In The Cabin * a policeman arrests Willie Nelson ** he tells the cop it's not his; he's holding it for the donkey Segment 4 Stephen searches the frige for something to rub on his body to throw the bear off his scent ** blueberry syrup ** salmon * Stephen's Jewish Friend let's himself in the backdoor ** he claims there are no bears outside * Stewart breaks the news about The Jonas Brothers ** they fell through the ice and will be missed * without Christmas, there's nothing to calm him down after Halloween * Stewart claims there are other holidays * Stephen recites the ones he knows about: ** Christmas ** Christmas Eve ** America's Christmas * Can I Interest You In Hanukkah? * after singing, they find themselves under the mistletoe, Stephen explains normal people's tradition of kissing when found under the mistletoe **Stewart explains the Jewish tradition when people find themselves under the mistletoe A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift Of All! brought to you by the Axe Detailer Shower Tool: buff your jingle bells! Segment 5 * Stephen hopes for a gimmel as he spins the dreidl ** losing 4 more chocolate coins to the potato pancake * there's a knock at the back door ** Stephen grabs his light saber * John Legend disintegrates it with his Jedi powers ** he's a forest ranger *** R&B stands for "roots & berries" * Legend unmutes the fire * he offers Legend a cup of Egg Nog ** there's enough rum in it to blind a pirate * but it doesn't have any nutmeg in it ** no nutmeg is like serving a turkey without a duck and a chicken inside ** nutmeg gives Egg Nog it's "mmm" and "hey" * John Legend sings Nutmeg * Stephen proclaims that he's never heard a song about a spice before ** Legend reminds Stephen that Tony Bennett did a whole duets album with a can of oregano * Legend leaves to find a meg so he can nut it! ** as he does, he angrily tells Stephen he doesn't understand Christmas at all! * Stephen prays to his Father in Heaven and asks him to show him the way ** he is put on hold *** the on-hold music is performed by Feist singing Please Be Patient (An Angel Will Be With Thee Shortly) * God sends an angel who looks very much like indy folk darling Feist, who swears she isn't * Stephen notices they are under the mistletoe ** he attempts to kiss her ** she makes it disappear * she asks Stephen to stop asking for his most heartfelt prayer: an oreo with a cookie in the middle * Stephen asks her not to sprinkle dust on him as he still has a contact high from his encounter with Willie Nelson earlier ** Feist grants Stephen's wish for a Christmas special anyway by making Elvis Costello appear outside his window * the bear attacks Elvis and Stephen asks the "Angel" to do something ** she cannot as she has no power over bears; they're godless killing machines * Stephen can hear Elvis on the phone, telling him to fight off the bear ** puts him on hold to take another call *** asking if he wants weekend delivery of the New York Times ** he goes back to Elvis (cut to commercial) Segment 6 * Stephen is lying down with tinsel on his face ** Elvis got himself eaten by a bear * Stephen is saddened by Elvis' death, then sings (What's So Funny 'Bout) Peace, Love, and Understanding * a bear walks through his backdoor and accompanies him in the song (sounding remarkably like Elvis Costello) ** Toby Keith joins from the forest ** Feist joins from the sky ** Willie joins from outside the nativity scene ** John Legend joins from the forest * everyone sings together in front of the Nativity * Stephen realizes that it's the time of year when two sworn enemies can put aside their differences and live in peace * Stephen sees that he and the bear are under the mistletoe ** they kiss * Stephen realizes how delicious he is moments before the bear begins chasing his delicious self around the cabin * Santa appears in the fireplace to fight off the bear ** Elvis comes out of the bear * Santa gives Stephen a DVD of the Christmas Special they're in right now! * Elvis Costello is so excited at the prospect that whatever he says will be on the DVD he shouts out a common British exclamation: :"Plum pudding Christmas crackers, David Bowie is a woman!" Segment 7 * Stephen straightens out the bear that is now a rug on the floor of his cabin * every time a bell falls an angel gets its balls * Much Worse Things To Believe In * Elvis figures out the rhyme Stephen was stuck on at the beginning of the show!